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archives push me to post webmail :: xenii mail the hive :: for trading and raiding polymorph :: a cosmographia universalis chrisnelson.ca :: chiefwagonburner has a blog fortune cookie distro :: x's distro
title: "Not Exactly a Love Song, But Sickening Nonetheless" written: five minutes ago E F#7th A "Not Exactly a Love Song, But Sickening Nonetheless" The way you move in letterbox; in shopping malls like with the china dolls let your native babble leave me confused by all the interstates let's park the car and sit and wait 'til the hostels all come to us! Maybe we wouldn't be happy. It's all quite the same to me. Let's pretend we're astronauts, bring your native tongue to my polyglot as we dance until the ship wrecks; and stardust falls on the astro-turf and our miniature golfing cart tracks the drinking would probably kill us found dead in a twisted embrace let's pretend that we're lightning rods...in a world of black clouds Maybe we're done, maybe we haven't begun I'd say "we're one" but I can't find the word for "one" I guess this ain't really a love song. and really the whole thing's quite wrong... [alt. end] Where did you move the letter box; by Chopin songs over china walls and your babel towers leaning confused by all the inner states and pocced up karma let's just wait 'til the hostiles all come to us! [sung super-fast] ...though I wish we could smoke cloves on the porch and then lay til the afternoon sun starts to scorch us but we both know this thing is doomed to a classical ending; maybe like lovers when, hurled to a new world, we'd learn to make due with the things that we've suffered or maybe our dark hearts would turn to frost, no, no, no, no, no no. ~fin~ reg E, F#7th, A bridge 1 Abm, A, Abm, A, F#m, Am chorus E, F#m, Abm, A, B repeat bridge 2 F#m, Am __________________________ I feel like my music is cursed. I want to lay it down with all the instruments it deserves, and I'd fucking play them all, but the equipment keeps resisting me. I am still just an acoustic, even with all the things I have sitting here. I can't even save as mp3 anymore. Oh hell [25 fucking megs].
jimmy I think it's 'Krill', Awwa. I think you thought of "brine shrimp" and "krill" at the same time. Coop, I'm still waiting for my damned 5-20 bucks. I hope I get it, because I'm going to rush right out and get myself a cd. Speaking of which, since mine were stolen I have subsisted musically on cds that jeffron and x.w. sent...now, ready to start anew, I purchased the "Aeon Flux" soundtrack double cd pack by Drew Nueman, "Eye Spy". -just got a cramp in foot. pain. owee. now its convulsing. in foot, OWEE> Ok going away now. going no not going owee
jimmy That's a good idea Jimmy. I should have had a "Spam" address all along, now that you mention it! Anywhere that you get an email addy, if you are able to make a second addy, just for those nuisancesome registration sites, it would be nice to just give them a waste basket to throw that stuff into. Ultimately I see a need for reform. Spam on the web is as bad as it's ever been. Advertising in America is already out of control anyway. It's like going to one of those Wild West retreats, where you get to be a cowboy, but the only other characters in town are the snake-oil husksters, Sheesh! Or going to the Fair and just standing outside the freak shows to listen to the sideshow barkers and drummers. It might be fun to do for awhile, but all of American life is becoming that way, all of the time. How many cars will a person own in their lifetime, 5 or 10? And yet every night (if you watch any TV at all) you see between 5 and 10 car ads. A person has to go around with blinders on, not to be consumed by it, consumed by consumer advertising, Heh! And it's spreading to other countries. I was very pleased on my trip to Europe last March, to see countries (France and Spain) that are not completely given in to constant advertising and mega-corporate spending/selling machines. There, at least sometimes, Art isn't selling anything. Sometimes it's just Art. Point well taken Speck. I too like to relax in my sweats, once I get home! I always liked Fred Rogers, and meant no disrespect with the OCD comment. I guess he was unusual in such a "nice" way, that it's easy to look for other motives. In reality, he was just a really nice man. Isn't "Brill what whales eat? I keeping thinking of that when I try to say "cool2breal." America has that whole "John Wayne" way of acting and doing things. That might have been fine in the days of the Old West (wow, two Western references in one post). But in a world of ever spiraling populations and shrinking scarce resources, can humanity afford to have that mindset? The whole "a car in each garage and a chicken in every pot" ideal, the idea of the car being the extension of the horse "a horse and twenty acres is all a man needs", "the right to bare arms" (maybe they just meant we could go sleeveless whenever we wanted), "your home is your castle" thinking, "this is my country, you can love it or leave it", mine, mine, mine mentality! All of which is exasperated by there not being enough to go around. If there were, then such ideals of ownership would be fine. As it is, with not enough for everyone, the mindset creates the desire, but not the solution. Sooner or later folks like Bush may get the idea that you can't just take what you want. I won't be holding my breath. It will require a great deal of comprimise and cooperation to make this a world of diverse cultures, unified in peace. SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM! Peace-Out Y'all! Awwa \A/
Aw  For those of you interested, I made a bit bucket at spam@xenius.org. It's an email address that does not store email but will appear as valid to those who are checking on it for the purposes of giving you stuff. It basically dumps any mail it receives into the trashcan. You can use it to sign up for cool2breal or whatever you want. Since this is not an original idea, some places may not accept an email address called "spam@anything.any", so feel free to try tofu@xenius.org. Whatever you remember best. tofu@xenius.org is not a bit bucket, so if they're sending you your password for some login in addition to endless reams of spam, you will be able to check tofu for it and delete it at your convenience. _____________________________________________ The password for tofu is to the chair slack forum as the password for quiv is to the chair is not thinking. _____________________________________________ Get it?
jimmy The ads were in my sister's Nickelodeon magazine, jimmy. It's a picture of Sasha skating and another picture of her sitting with a plate of steak and the big red check sign of beef...it's good for you. blah blah blah. Apparently my friend, who's vegan, her sister at college tried to go a week without meat. At the end of the week, her sister was so meat deprived that she ate only meat for the entire next week. Milk tastes so gross. My mother is obsessed with it though, since the concept of drinking lots of milk is a very red blooded American idea to her. She's convinced that if I drink as much milk as my high school counterparts, I will grow to be taller with bigger bones and more built in general. That, and I have to eat more meat. And eggs. I should eat an egg three days a week. We used to drink a lot of soymilk and hardly ever have meat. I miss my homemade soymilk.
x Sadly, it's very easy to believe that shit. I mean, the beef and dairy industry are responsible for developing and propagating the Food Pyramid, and then making said pyramid a standard part of the American public education. They like to start young. The latest dairy ad campaign is pretty much, well, lies. Those pretty xrays of bones...I dare anyone to check the osteoporosis stats. Milk is more likely to cause than prevent it. Whatever will bring the dollars in, eh?
Anna You're never going to believe this shit. You don't have to be a vegetarian to appreciate the pure hilarity of it all. The news site was developed and is maintained by a mutual friend of anagram and myself. It's a great damned site, and he does www.mp3it.com too. I don't care who you are, if you are the developer of this ridiculous beef propaganda site, you have to feel like either an idiot for being involved, or a god for getting the beef-o-crats to pay you for it. I don't give a fuck what people eat. I just wish there wasn't such shameful propaganda out there. To educate is one thing, but to dupe young girls by enslaving their fragile developing self-esteems is totally different. But hey, at least the hormones will give them bigger boobs. [ As for my red 'fuck', Awwa started it! ]
jimmy my mom gave me some oh so soft and comfy pajamas for X-mas, and whenever I come home I immediately change into them. Even if I'm going to go out again later. I just like to be comfortable. Although sometimes it does prevent me from leaving again, since putting my clothes on can seem like a pain in the ass. Maybe Mr. Rogers wasn't o/c maybe he just liked to be comfortable. When Josh used to live down on 6th and Market, one of the worst corners in the city, we used to sing "these are the people in your neighborhood...." when we'd go outside past the puddle of piss in front of the door to his building, past the people smoking crack in the doorway, past the walking dead staggering around screaming and fighting and bleary eyed, past the pimps in their posh cars, past the tough guys who hang out in front of Hoo Dat Liquors or who march out into traffic to jaywalk to the other side. It amazes me that they never got run down. Shit, I'm careful crossing the streets here and I still nearly get killed at least once a month because people drive like idiots. Maybe it's an intimidation thing. I'm not intimidating enough so people don't feel they need to stop. I won't kick their ass if they hit me. Or so they think.... Anyways, singing that song in that place always cracked me up.
Miss Speck and the Giant Librarians We got our first "everyone at xenius dot org" spam today. Arrrgh!
jimmy A word to the wise, the CD class action lawsuit settlement claims period ends on Monday. If you bought a CD between 1995 and 2000, you just might get $20 from the bloodsucking record industry. It can't hurt to try anyway!
coop I'm in Jimmy. Tell me what you need. "Xentillion" is like a big event! I mean it's like a Ka-Zillion plus a Catillion, with a Xenius thrown-in! Eh, lately I've been thinking more along the lines, "Xenius Times Dispatch!" But I also like the word, "Intelligencer." So maybe something like "Xenius Intelligencer" would work. Oh and the fourth time, the editing didn't work. There was a message that the file was not available, LOL! On a different note, I did have a chuckle tonight when a friend of mine and I were talking about Mr. Rogers. Someone said that he was the ultimate Obcessive Compulsive. He changed shoes when he came indoors! And not just that! He changed out of a jacket and into a sweater! All of those pre-OCD years, Mr. Rogers was teaching America to be that way. I wonder what the psychiatric implications of that is. HA! HA! If I worried about that (so much), I wouldn't have edited my last post four or five times! (I might have lied about how many times that I edited that post. I actually edited that post many, many, many times (and this one twice)! Poor ragged little things)! Love, Love, Love! All we need is Love! \A/
Aw I'm glad you mentioned it, Awwa! (The paper). There is actually a 'news crew' for the paper, and Awwa, I would be honored if you would be on it. I only mentioned it briefly, but the "Zamboni Library" to which I delivered Xiao-Wei's zines for distribution, is owned by Chuck, a friend of mine, and we had an amazing group breakfast (complete with hangover treats from a bonfire the night before) where we made approximately 50 hilarious headlines and one stupid one. We are incorporating photos from actual newspapers which we have twisted, altered and fucked with. Our goal is to actually have 100 printed pieces on newsprint, as well as the online presence. If you're interested in the Chairman Mao Poo vs. General Steamer wars, they are still being documented (silently) and will be included in the paper. Guess what? Still no name. Noone but Awwa and I have actually submitted any. So Awwa, if you can explain what the hell "xentillion" means, I'd appreciate it. It's a great name, come to think of it, but I can't tell why. __________________________________________________________________________________ Fred Rogers really was something. It's amazing that with all the people around who thought he was creepy (like Pee-Wee's nonfans), as far as I know, he was genuine and no one ever found any dirt on the guy. I'm sure there were people dying to expose him. Searching for an image of him turned up tons of altered photos of him with child pornography, with naked girls, and none of it real. The guy was untouchable.
jimmy Potential Xenius Times submission article. Please flesh this out. It's just the kernel... =================================================================== "It's All About The Oil!" By: Cub Reporter, Stuke Palmerwinkle According to an undisclosed Whitehouse source, "...the whole push to go to war with Iraq comes down to the oil resources available in that country denied to the USA." The source told this reporter that she used to have no problem filling her SUV, regularly enough to make it to work at the Whitehouse every weekday. But since this Administration took office, with spiraling prices at the pump, she has found it difficult to make it to work, even just every other day of the week. "Well, it's like filling the tank every other day or so isn't it?" she is quoted as saying. But she doesn't blame the President. No, in her words it's, "...those whacky Islamas! They have all of the oil, and keep getting richer off of our [USA's] buying their oil. As a good Christian, God-fearing woman, I ask you, is that fair?" This reporter's source goes on to support the administration's other policies including the elimination of investment taxes, stating, "I never saw a penny of that money when they were paying the tax. I won't miss it if they don't!" About the environment she said, "We got us an ozone hole, and the environmentalists are worried about a few seals in Alaska?" And on the abortion issue, she said, "Those loose women ought to not get preggy to begin with! Whatever happened to settling down and getting married, like on 'The Andy Griffith Show' or 'The Honeymooners?'" This reporter did not have those answers for her, or for America! =================================================================== I watched Mr. Rogers many years of my youth. I have that. Many others our age and younger have that. That is an undeniable legacy, and one of spotless integrity. Perhaps he could have done things differently. Perhaps his personal life may have reflected a different man. What I saw and so many others saw all those many years of his career, was sterling! If anything, maybe he was too "goody two-shoes!" And what the heck does that phrase mean? Heh! Seriously, the world would be a better place, were we all a little more like Mr. Rogers! At least I mean that about the TV persona, which is all that I can draw an opinion from. Rest in Peace Mr. Rogers. You'll always be a welcomed neighbor in my neighborhood! =================================================================== Jimmy, hang tough man! Hey, at least they aren't teaching "ebonics!" Oh no! What have I unleashed? Uh, Jimmy, please, please don't go there! Hey man, I know you be down deaf dumb and stupid on the ebonica tip! But don't go there man, like they ain't all that! And who are you anyway? A product of the "Man's" recording industry machine feeding frenzy? Hey I've got a serious question... What is up with that club beat? "Boom-Chigger! Boom-Chigger! Boom-Chigger!" =================================================================== And on a completely unrelated topic, hey, we can edit these posts! At least if this works, my former post will be replaced by this new, improved post! I've got my fingers crossed! And it worked my last four edits of this post, Heh! Peace, Oh and the obligatory, "FUCK" Awwa \A/
Aw I'm really not a man with violent tendencies, but I heard someone insult the memory of Fred Rogers tonight. It was awful. I mean, WHAT THE FUCK HAVE [insert your name here] DONE. That man made millions of children happy, probably thousands of whom were made miserable by their fucking parents (yes, I intended the use of fucking - there parents were probably fucking everything under the sun). Fred Rogers. Rest in peace, neighbor. But without Black America, could we have had White America?
jeffron x More fodder for my fucking english class. We were given five topics to choose from, and I chose "What would America be like without blacks?" Here is my auspicious beginning...*chuckle chuckle chuckle*: "If African Americans were to be suddenly whisked away by an unseen hand (obviously working for the greater good of mankind), America would finally be the Utopia it was intended to be. At every corner in American history, African Americans (once freely and rightfully called by such colorful names as ‘negroes’, ‘coons’, ‘coloreds’, ‘savages’, or ‘bluegums’) have been a major obstacle..." HAHaha! Look at me go! This was once the class I intended to walk out of, except that none of the other classes fit my schedule. Now I'm wondering what the hell I was thinking. Why would I want to leave?? I intend to turn every assignment on its side and get an A for it. Watch this bluegum go.
jimmy Hmm. Try freetranslation.com. That one doesn't seem to have mucked it up, though it's a direct translation and does not rearrange the order for you. It's definitely a site to demonstrate that Yoda's first language was Germanic. Anyhow, someone told me latter half of that sentence comes to us from Monty Python. I have remembered it for years when someone gave me the equivalent phrase in three other languages. Heh. Heheheh. Hahheheha. Hehehheh! HahahaHAHAhAHAHA. MuhAhAHHAHAHAHAHhahahAHAHhAHAHhahA. MuHAHHaHAHHAHaHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAH. AAAAHA. HA! HA!...HAAAAAA!...Ha. Heh. Heh. Ahhhh. *sigh*
jimmy Babelfish says: "A peruecke on the beach is very practical, but my air cushion vehicle is full from the Aalen." Und now Vee Tance! \A/
Aw  "Eine Perücke auf dem Strand ist sehr praktisch, aber mein Luftkissenfahrzeug ist von den Aalen voll."
jimmy When I was in high school we used to watch these very weird art films in my German class. My favorite I think was "Ein Perucke an Strand ist sehr practisch." That means, "A wig on the beach is very practical." I don't know what it was about. a wig, yes, a beach, yes. But there were also strange people in black trenchcoats, a human chess game on the beach and big umbrellas. I think the only thing that they ever said in the film (at least that I remember) was "Ein Perucke an Strand ist sehr practisch." It was creepy. And then there was the one about this guy who goes for a walk in the country and eats some mushrooms that he finds along the path and then the film turns into a bizarre drug trip experience. At one point in his trip he comes across a bunch of people who are exercising and there's a long scene of people doing deep knee bends and saying over and over "beugen und strecken, beugen und strecken..." (bending and stretching). Ah yes, strange German art films.
Miss Speck and the Giant Librarians 1928-2003
jimmy Saturday 1st March is Maha Shivaratri. In the period of human’s development known as Pre-web I had heard only one story about Shivaratri. Now that I have this huge resource literally at my fingertips I find out that there is a whole structure and several stories around Shivaratri (and none of them the one I knew!). Maha Shivaratri is one of 4 kind of Shivaratri but all sources agree that it is the most significant however this significance is defined. Well that is good to know. The story I grew up with was that Shiva slept for one night every year and men (and I presume women) had to stay up to look after the universe. Images of the spirits of men (and women) banded together and shaped as a mighty ship made of light ploughing the ship lanes of space filled my mind. Only it wasn’t images but some vague concepts (or maybe the images flash through my mind too fast to register on my forebrain). And it wasn’t the spirits of men, or at least not the spirits of people I knew or saw around me but some far away people who, I thought, lived fabulous lives. Of course these unicorn people were forever out of my reach. Now I almost know that there are no super humans. Bring forth the unicorn I say, starting this Saturday. Glad you’re feeling better Anna. I noticed that you chose your words carefully – asking if Jimmy is going to take it *sitting* down. The usual expression is ‘lying down’ – but too many connotations eh.
Ashok I think it's a sect of Judaism that does that, speck...unfortunately, I haven't seen any of those sheets in thrift stores yet. Right now I am at work and I haven't taken my headphones off yet. I had a 'religious experience' in the elevator listening to Frank Zappa. I can't really describe it, although the well known phrase "bad German art flick" comes to mind. Anna, the only thing I take sitting down is my coffee. ___________________________________________ The tutoring went well. Smart kid. The parents want me to throw some chess in there as well. Apparently she's good at that and Monopoly, which I suck at. I blew the money immediately-saw Lost in La Mancha last night though! It's about the unmaking of a Terry Gilliam flick on Don Quixote. Or maybe it was called The Unmaking of Lost in La Mancha.
jimmy Oh you mean the people who founded our country? Jimmy, are you going to take this sitting down?
Anna his fucking underwear. It's kind of like the bedsheet with the hole in it that whoever those people were that used to use that. You know what I mean, I'm too tired to explain. My co-worker just said, "Oh my god, don't turn around. My tights are totally bothering me..." hee hee more weirdness. I'd like you all to know that my italian has improved so much that I was actually able to send my sister a scolding email in Italian to her. She was impressed, although she didn't cave in to my logic. I thought for sure that the fact that having 3 common languages (english, german, italian) now for nagging/scolding would bend her to my will (i.e. there is no escape from me for her) but alas she will take a little more prodding. jesus christus I'm exhausted. long day at work and now a 3 hour class full of fucking marina people and no that's not what you're thinking you filthy beasts. I'm a good girl. ah, yeah.
Miss Speck and the Giant Librarians I am having way too many Frederick's of Hollywood style images dancing through my head, after reading Ashok's and Jimmy's posts back to back. I am not bothering to swallow my laughter, my coworkers think I am completely cracked as it is!
coop Jimmy! You actually have an underwear you change into before having sex??!! And then you had to go soil the purity of this underwear by typing in it. I ask you is this any way to treat the underwear that has given so much pleasure? There just ain’t no more justice in the world. Beam me up Scotty my work here is done. I was at work when I read that post. Nearly did myself an injury trying not to laugh out loud. Still to swallow a laugh is to have a laughing fart later on (this is a small extract from my forthcoming book – How to keep your arsehole happy (and no jokes about marrying him please ladies))
Ashok In class today, the professor, during a lecture about thesis statements, put mine on the board amongst four other examples. It was from a writing excercise we did on the second day, and her instructions were to "come up with a thesis statement and write as much as you can about it in 10 minutes". My thesis statement was "My thesis statement is 'the media's coverage of the war on Iraq reflects its easy manipulation as a 'propaganda machine'". This is of course not a thesis statement. This is an announcement. And a dumb one. As dum as that last sentence fragment. And that last mispelling of dumb. And the misspelling of misspelling just before the sentence starting with 'and'. I was pissed (though laughing at myself), because this was a stream of conciousness excercise which wasn't being turned in for a grade. She had asked us to tell her what our statement was, so I did. Now it was on display. She'd put my thesis statement up to trash it.~ It was the only one taken from the class. Damnit. So she asked for comments about that statement, and whether or not it would work. I was the only one who volunteered to comment on it, smiling dumbly and she smiled back slyly. She totally didn't want to call on me but I'd put my hand up immediately and if she ignored me it would just look forced. Haha. I rule. "Um...", I said, and then flashes of Prisoners Dilemma outtakes and tit for tat type games came to me...so I thrashed it. I totally thrashed it and talked about how weak it was and where it went wrong. I would have continued about how there was no hope for a blisteringly dumb paper such as the one which had started off by breaking its ankle and how it would have to chew off its own foot and run on the nub...but for the time constraint. I would have sung the author's praises too, accolades about how wonderful it must be to be free of the ravages of intelligence. It was a "what was that person thinking?" kind of trashing. I felt like that Orc in the Fellowship movie who pulled himself further on a blade to get a good nip at whoever it was....Aragorn I think. Put my stream of conciousness on display? No way Jos-lady. I've got blogger for that. I left the class wondering...I can sense a rivalry beginning. Or maybe I'm going to be her straight man for the rest of the semester. NO matter. She had scored the first point, but I returned the volley. I am the king! I am the king! I am Adipose Rex; and don't you worry your primitive limbic system about it. God serf yous kingly, adipose rex! I had four in the morn- 16 ing and a couple of the lunch and three later on, but your saouls 17 to the dhaoul, do ye. Finnk. Fime. Fudd? 18 Impassable tissue of improbable liyers! D'yu mean to sett 19 there where y'are now, coddlin your supernumerary leg, wi'that 20 bizar tongue in yur tolkshap, and your hindies and shindies, like a 21 muck in a market, Sorley boy, repeating yurself, and tell me that? A very intelligent woman recently brought it to my attention that my self descriptive moniker "adipose_rex" was from Finnegan's Wake. And I thought I was being clever. "What's with King fatty?" , she asked. I'd really meant brown fat. You know. Who wants to be Oedipus these days anyhow. Today, Oedipus would be in a choke hold by a member of the security team on the Montel show. I am the king! Go on. There's nothing more to see here. By the way. I typed this entire post in my fucking underwear. That use of "fucking" was descriptive. It was not meant in the intransitive verb sense. Get your mind out of the gutter and dry it off. It was a meaningless intensive. That's right. We've just had a meaningless fuck. Get over it. I'll call you.
jimmy Blood-soaked PMS dreams, absolutely. Reminds me of the time I dreamed I bludgeoned a really annoying woman to death with an Oxford English Dictionary. I was disappointed when she came back to life, I was like "Jeez, I can't even kill people right!" Violent dreams (if you are the one perpetrating) can actually be good for you, they let the aggressions out without breaking anything. I go through spells of writing dreams down, I'm not in one currently. Writing them down is helpful in times of stress or change. Sometimes I find that I understand a lot more than I thought I did, I just can't express it when I'm awake. Maybe I will edit this later, but American Idol's on tonight. *runs away*
coop Day Dreams, Nice Dreams, Nightmares, and Visions Now you're talking! I guess I've always had a fascination for this kind of stuff. I used to forget my dreams after a few minutes of being awake unless I wrote them down, too. Then I started keeping a dream journal beside my bed. I recorded some wild stuff. But after awhile I stopped recording them. I guess I got bored with it, or found other ways to amuse myself. Of the dreams that I can remember some of the scariest are ones where I'm falling, or I'm being attacked but I can't scream. Then of course there are the ones where I'm at the blackboard, trying to solve a math poblem in fornt of the whole class, wearing nothing but a pair of jockey shorts. Or I'm walking down the street and someone points out the fact that I'm not wearing any pants. Hey, I'm not that prudish that being partially naked would really bother me. I guess I freak-out because I worry about what others think, or how they judge me. Now as for Visions or waking hallucinations... I was with a friend back in my college days, and we were smoking some primo weed, Panama Red in fact. My friend told me to do a "volley." That's where you take three hits from a bong, back to back, without taking oxygen inbetween. As you hold one hit, the designated loader, loads the next hit. Then you exhale and take that hit, like that, three times. Anyway, I degress. After taking the volley of Panama Red (circa 1976), I rolled over onto my belly (we'd been sitting on the rug), and had a dream/vision. At first there seemed to be a lot of confusion (I cite Jimmy's dream with the static TV reception). What I seemed to be seeing was like watching a whole bunch of TV shows all played fast forward at a super rate, and maybe like watching 5 or 10 TV's all at once. Then all of a sudden there was silence, and a peaceful darkness, like I was floating and feeling no pain (I cite Jimmy's dream again). But this was short lived, almost like there was a tour guide or teacher leading me through this realm. I was not allowed the pleasure of just langishing in this quiet. I suddenly felt a fire ripping across me, like someone had struck a match, from my lower right side to my upper left, igniting something in me, something explosive, and I burst into total star-like fire. It was an ecstatic feeling of not hot, but pure, clean light, as though my body was no more than the rays of light feeling out into space, and my heart was beaming with pure, sinless joy. I knew what it is like to be, "...bright shining as the sun." A minute or so later I started laughing, and the feeling of my face moving against the carpet, brought me back to the reality of the room we were in. I sat up and looked at my buddy and said, (I have no idea why I said this except that I guess I felt like I'd been touched), "I'm God, and I've come back to save the world." I guess that is the closest that I've ever been to experiencing something truly spiritual, something beyond musings or sleeping dreams. I repeat earlier statements, I do not advocate the use of drugs! But sometimes we do things that aren't exactly smart, and discover something that we didn't expect to find at all. I'm thorugh singing now! Awwa \A/
Aw Heh, speck...I read that as "homocidal-imbalance" - had to do a double-take.
jimmy I'm a big dreamer, or rather a big dream rememberer. It gets easier to remember them the more you pay attention to them. You just have to exercise your dream remembering muscles or something like that. I used to only dream in very muted colors and it was always dusk out in my dreams, but now I get vivid colors and smells even. I have a few recurring dreams or nightmares or whatever. I used to get them more as a kid. I used to have this one nightmare about my dad when I was little and when I think about it now I feel like maybe it was a premonition that I was having that he was going to die. But maybe that's just me reading more into it than is really there since I had that nightmare from about 8 years old to 11 or something like that and he didn't die until I was 19. For the first couple of years after my dad died if I dreamt about him he would always be lying down. Even now he's usually pretty inactive in my dreams, I think the best I've gotten out of him is sitting up at the dinner table. Recently when I've dreamt about him he's part of the dream but he isn't there. Like he just left the room, or I'm supposed to meet him but he hasn't shown up yet. But I don't actually dream about him that much, just in phases ya' know. Oh, and I always have really violent bloody disturbing dreams when I have PMS. I think that's from the hormonal imbalance. I had some weird dreams last night, but there were too many changing characters for me to explain. Someone had stinky feet in my dream - I was worried that it was me, but it wasn't.
Miss Speck and the Giant Librarians I used to have this recurring dream which was just a bunch of squiggly grey lines on a black background, very much like the snow from a television set...and the chaos of noisy squiggling would increase until they peaked and then descended into total 'silence' and a very pleasant sense of peace. Then the chaos would start again. The black background felt like floating in space...it was sort of what it was, because I always had the feeling I was looking at some macrocosmic display of order in the universe. To make a long story short, I would wake up from this dream sweating and totally disturbed every single time. There are no 'characters' or players in the dream, just this sense that I was present somewhere, though I had no body...no res extensae, just res cogitans, floating above something which was supposed to be deeply meaningful but after waking up would have to be rationalized back into "a mess of meaningless squiggly lines" so that I could go back to sleep. I had this dream once when I was 18 and just visiting my mom's house. I woke up in the middle of the night and went to her bedroom, completely convinced that I had seen something I shouldn't have seen and set off a chain of events that would destroy the universe. She was awake, watching David Letterman. I told her I'd had a bad dream, but to tell her what it was would make me look like a freak. I already looked like a freak, running to my mom's bedroom at 18 years old. It was the second time I had ever done that in all my life. (Usually the thing that would make me want to run to my mom's room would be a rocking chair with a hat perched on it awkwardly so that in the dark it would look like a witch or an alien waiting to get me, but they'd always be right by the door so I couldn't get past them if I tried. Come to think of it, maybe my mother would set this up so that she could sleep undisturbed!?) I haven't had the dream in awhile now. The last time it even came up, I had a panic attack and wrote about it in tcint. Curiously that time I wasn't even sleeping to have it come up. I was reading about the square root of negative one; about "imaginary numbers". Anyways. That's me and my only recurring dream/nightmare.
jimmy I am one of those wacky people who never remember their dreams. Unless I immediately think about what I was dreaming about when I wake up, the memory is gone. I don’t like it, but I guess I have the small benefit of not remembering a troubling sleep. But that can be frustrating when on very rare occasion I wake up with a troubled mind and have no idea why.
chiefwagonburner a lot of people have had that lately. really sick with high fevers for a week... yeesh. Glad I'm taking reasonably good care of myself right now and have not yet been afflicted. But of course I don't feel like I'm safe and sound yet since folks around me are still droppin' like flies. I watched the pilot of Twin Peaks this weekend. I haven't seen Twin Peaks since it was on tv back in the day. yeesh. so creepy. And of course I happened to be watching it at 3am and then when it was over I had to ride my bike home through the dark wet fish stinky streets of chinatown. I was all freaked out when I was leaving and Josh kept saying stuff to make me more scared which I didn't appreciate. I don't know if you folks have seen the pilot of it or if you'd even remember, but there's a really creepy scene at the end where Laura Palmer's mom is lying on the couch semi-catatonic and remembering herself running around the house that morning looking for Laura. It's very scary and at the end of the scene she remembers that she saw a man in Laura's room crouched down at the end of the bed... ew. I'm giving myself the heebie jeebies just thinkin' about it. Josh's words of comfort to me as I left his house that night were that if I saw anyone in the gutter or crouched behind a car looking at me like that, that I shouldn't stop. I don't know why i just thought of that. I think 'cuz I've been having more nightmares lately. ah, well.
Miss Speck and the Giant Librarians Well, I don't think I mentioned this before, but I actually went to the emergency room on Thursday night because I was so ill. I had been feverish for so long that I had no idea whether I was just going to die or not. I wasn't eating anything and I didn't know how to tell if I was dehydrated. So my friend took me to Kaiser, and shit! that was such a dingy and delapidated little emergency room, I couldn't beleive it. The bathroom looked like it had not been cleaned in about 3 years. I'm covered by my school's insurance, but we have to use the health clinic on campus, and it's not open 24 hours. So they've got this advice nurse on the phone who tells you to go to the nearest ER if you call with any sort of serious complaint. Anyhow, I'm glad I'm alive. It's the first time I've had a bug I couldn't kick on my own with some sleep and good vitamins/echinachea.
Anna Because so many people don't have health insurance, a lot of them rely on emergency room visits for treatment. Which means in most cases that they aren't getting any preventative care and they are only getting episodic care for things like asthma or diabetes or other chronic conditions. Which means that their health is really poor. And emergency room visits are really expensive for hospitals - which is where the community clinics come in. But there are a whole slew of problems preventing people from using them or using them effectively. Migrant farmworkers move all over CA and Mexico, which makes tracking one patient's medical history difficult, or getting them to return for follow up visits... There are cultural and linguistic barriers and then of course there are a lot of undocumented people here who are afraid to go to the clinics because they don't want the INS to find them. And then there are people who just don't know that they can get free medical care. Anyhoo. It's a tough problem and a HUGE one. So my job is that I work for a foundation that grants money to the free medical clinics in CA (this is why I get all riled up about things like "boutique" doctors) to help them get technology and build new buildings and leadership development stuff. It's oh so neat and I love it indeed I do. We want to get clinics to work together (they traditionally have a very DIY attitude which comes from their grass roots beginnings in the 60's/70's) and create data warehouses and disease registries and to do advocacy based on health outcomes that they track (e.g. why are there so many asthma patients in their community? maybe it's the big polluting factory... and then getting them to act with other community organizations to get something done about that). The clinics are amazing - there are such dedicated people that work in them. They do so much with so little funding. They ARE socialized medicine and they provide high quality care and their waiting rooms are overflowing with people who desperately need them. anyhoo. I should quit writing about work and actually do some... har. - speck
Miss Speck and the Giant Librarians Yeah. That just pisses me off too. Compare the 'boutique' (I mean, who thought THAT up) system with Cuba's: "Each family practitioner is required to see every patient in his or her catchment area at least twice a year. The physician maintains a record of preventive services and conditions for all patients in the catchment area; this record is updated and reviewed at least monthly with a clinical supervisor, who is an academically based family physician. The monitored services and conditions include prenatal care, immunizations, cancer screening by Papanicolaou smears and mammography, risk factors such as smoking and hypertension, and follow-up for chronic conditions, as well as psychosocial problems and sources of stress in the family or at work. Under this surveillance system, it is expected that all patients in the catchment area receive preventive services appropriate for their age, gender, and risk factors. In our observations with family doctors, we found that the practitioners were knowledgeable and maintained surveillance records regarding all patients for whom they were responsible. Family physicians are supported by a system of laboratories, referral centers, and consultation resources, based in local polyclinics and municipal hospitals. When patients require admission, they enter a municipal, provincial, or national hospital as their conditions warrant. Unless a patient is transported to a provincial or national hospital outside the local area, the family physician travels personally to the referral hospital. There, he or she meets with specialists who assume responsibility for the patient's inpatient management, coordinates inpatient services to assure continuity after discharge, and maintains frequent contacts with the patient to enhance the long-term patient-doctor relationship. For emergencies, especially in urban areas, patients can decide to bypass the local family physician and can receive services directly at the emergency rooms of referral hospitals. In this situation the emergency room staff attempt to contact the patient's family physician for subsequent follow-up. Through this organizational structure, Cuban health policy favors local primary care services, within an organized system of consultation and referral for more specialized care. The focus on community-based family practice facilitates public health activities and epidemiologic surveillance. Data concerning acute and chronic illnesses pass sequentially from family practitioners to the municipal, provincial, and national levels of the Ministry of Public Health. This surveillance system is computerized and linked throughout the country by modem and electronic mail. Computerized surveillance has been implemented at all provincial levels and is being extended to municipalities and rural health centers. The surveillance system rapidly clarifies such problems as the spread of infectious diseases, the changing distribution of chronic diseases, and unusual clinical conditions such as the epidemic of neuropathy that emerged between 1991 and 1993.2, pp 37-40 Such innovations may prove instructive for countries, including the United States, which lack efficient data gathering and reporting systems for preventive services and efforts in community oriented primary care." Cuba has a doctor/population ratio of 1 to 255. The U.S. has 1 to 430. I'm not saying I want to live in Cuba, just that alternative systems are good. Capitalism might be fine for, I don't know, building toasters, or missiles, but it sucks where medicine is concerned. Poor people shouldn't die because they are poor.
jeffron x Argh. I get so frustrated with the world sometimes. I just read this: "The Palo Alto Medical Foundation, a well-regarded medical group of 280 doctors, is considering switching to a boutique medical practice model, in which patients receive "elite" care and unrestricted access to physicians, the San Jose Mercury News reports. Under the new practice, patients would pay an annual retainer fee, as well as additional fees for office visits, entitling them to 24-access to their physician, e-mail consultations and other services. Physicians would cater to only a few hundred patients, compared to current patient loads of between 1,000 and 1,500. Dr. David Druker, who leads the foundation's practice, said the annual fee has not yet been determined but would be less than $5,000. The fact that an organization "as large and established" as PAMF is considering the transition to boutique care "speaks volumes about the state of health care in America and how the doctor-patient relationship is changing," the Mercury News reports. Many physicians are dissatisfied with declining reimbursement rates, bureaucratic managed care practices and limited time with patients, the move to boutique medicine could improve physicians’ working conditions and enable them to improve patient care while maintaining their income, according to proponents of the boutique model. However, many medical ethicists and policy experts say boutique care increases the gap between the "haves and have-nots" in health care and could overwhelm physicians who continue to accept patients with traditional insurance. If practice administrators decide to make the change, Druker said that the boutique model initially would be limited to a small group of the practice’s physicians and that most of its physicians would still accept many forms of insurance (Feder Ostrov, San Jose Mercury News, 2/21)." blech. The "haves" can be such bastards sometimes. So a few rich people in Palo Alto will get their own personal doctors, but over 6 million people in CA have NO HEALTH INSURANCE and several million more are underinsured, which means that they don't have access to the care that they need. And that number is growing since a couple hundred thousand are getting kicked off Medical because the state budget is all fucked up. And 11 out of 19 county clinics in LA have closed because of a lack of funds. argh. Oh yeah, and the benefits for the lucky few who get to stay on Medical will have their coverage cut back. So they won't be covered for "non-essential" things like syringes for diabetics. ah, the state of the world... Everyone talks about socialized medicine being so horrible because you wouldn't have choices and the quality of care would go down. Well, maybe the quality of care would go down for the Haves that can afford $5,000 a year to retain their own personal 24/7 doctor, but for the majority of americans, it would probably go up. For the 40 million people in this country that don't have medical insurance it certainly wouldn't go down. The U.S. ranks quite low in the world for quality of care per $ spent on it. Some of the best cutting edge care that you can get in CA is actually in the free community clinics, although the private practices/hospitals would have you believe otherwise. Anyhoo. my monday morning arrrgh. for y'all. Glad you're feeling better Anna. -speck
Miss Speck and the Giant Librarians Thanks guys. I'm a little better every day, but I'm sort of crazed because I have to do a presentation tomorrow night on half of this 400 page prose book about the sharecroppers in the 1930s, and I've only made it through the first 100 pages because of my bronchitis. My presentation is on the last half. It's a terrible thing to crash through. "Uh...sooo...the dood wrote some flowery stuff about these poor people, see..." -anna g
Anna This is a new Blogger boo-boo... not posting people's nicknames under the posts! LOL. Everybody have fun being "incognito" until they get the problem fixed. ...Don't go too crazy though, because you can always see who posted what in the Blogger edit window... mwa haha. Anna, I'm sorry you're feeling lousy. Wishing you clear ear vibes. I know that the last time I had an ear infection I was in a bad mood for about a month. I came to realize why the 4-year-olds you see in the doctor's office clutching their little ears are screaming so loud in frustration. Hmm, let's see, what did I do this weekend? Endured the hubby's thwarted America's Cup watching, they kept postponing the races in New Zealand due to weather. I don't know where he got his yachting kick from. Went to Barnes & Noble in Walpole and got my mom an excellent birthday gift for 4 bucks. Ordinarily, you can see the Boston skyline on the horizon from Walpole, but not this weekend of rain and snowmelt fog. Cities look so much better from far away. I always enjoy my first view of Providence on the way into work. Though I do grimace a bit when I see my actual office building looming in the distance. It's been ~11 years since I was in Manhattan, but a couple times a year, I enjoy the distant view from the Tappan Zee bridge. I try to fix it so I don't have to drive on that leg and I can hang my head out the car window like a kid. There is also a fun diner on the Tarrytown side. I feel in need of a road trip, which is quite out of place in February in the semi-frozen, southern North. ~~The Czarina
coop Thank you Jeffron! That RULES. I'll try it out. __________________________ Anna, welcome back. -was wondering about you, then heard you were sick. I hope you and your equilibrium get better soon.
jimmy Sound Forge 6.0 demo is here. The key generator to unlock the demo version is in The Hive. It works. And now back to our regularly scheduled program, already in progress.
jeffron x the files I'm slowly putting up our saxophone/flute/guitar/drums/violin/cello/piano parties. Currently there is only one punk song about someone's fart though.
jimmy 
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