from
the archives of the Slack Consortium:
Care and Feeding of the M-zilla *
Aliases:
Disgruntlus governmentii
Angerfullius easilyus
(right) In a rare & deceptive semi-formal moment, 1994
TEST
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from
the archives of the Slack Consortium: Aliases:
(right) In a rare & deceptive semi-formal moment, 1994
TEST |
*
Not to be confused with the very worthy open-source browser, Mozilla,
which I use & like very much, thank you!
Found in the woods of Rhode Island next to a bloodied pile of SweeTart wrappers,
these notes from a (once-) world-renowned expert psychobiologist...
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what to do if encountering an M-zilla in the wild: 1. Don't panic. 2. Heh. Laugh to yerself. Sure, you may be rendered limb from limb, but keeping your sense of humor is always the Most Important Thing. 3. Back away slowly from the M-zilla. DO NOT make eye contact. 4. If possible, hum a tune. This sometimes pacifies the M-zilla. Survivors report Muppets songs or tunes from the Wizard of Oz are most effective. 5. Run like hell and wish for the best. |
To avoid the psychobiologist's gruesome fate, use the following handy tips to outsmart/cajole/pacify the M-zilla. It's for your own good!
Thwarting the Mzilla:
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(note: M-Zillas
can be subdued by overconsumption of Runts;
further research necessary to determine effects of Jolly
Ranchers, Sweet
Tarts, and other sucrose-based solids) another M-Zilla expert says: A hearty Yes to the SweeTarts. It will be particularly charmed if you save the blue ones especially for itself. No to the Jolly Ranchers, unless you want to stick the M-Zilla's fangs permanently together to prevent further State agency consumption. It is fond of the Cinnamon flavor and will eat them anyway, though they pull fillings. (Chewing concrete is hard on the molars. the M-zilla also has a horror of dentists!) Feed it skcub
rats hypermints-- watching the M-zilla try to say "skcub rats hypermints"
around those fangs is enough entertainment to last any psychobiologist
at least an hour. |
| Television If you really want to get the M-zilla out of a bad mood, fast, show it the Star Wars Muppet Show episode. Double whammy! The Slack Consortium is not responsible if the M-zilla gets up and tap-dances along with Mark Hamill, flattening several small villages in the process. |
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| Also, seeing Mark Hamill and Luke Skywalker in the same scene has been known to send the M-zilla into disbelieving hysteria , though this has not been documented since the early 80s. (juvenile phase... very juvenile) | |
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If you can't get the M-zilla to stop crushing cars, throw it some lip gloss. Raspberry is preferred. Trust me, it won't go around gnawing bumpers if it's going to muss its freshly applied lip gloss. |
It's very fond of its Stress Ball. If this is lost or stolen, severe crankiness can result. The M-zilla has also been known to yell at coworkers for doing so much as mocking the Stress Ball. Beware. The M-Zilla is particularly cross when vexed by a trolley. If you can find a toy trolley, preferably green, in some chewy, non-splintery material, you can give her hours of joy in destroying it. |
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Stay tuned to the Slack Channel for endless repeats of ZillaWeek, including more tips and tricks for outsmarting this most ferocious of beasts.
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